Mother’s Day: A battle between celebration and grief
- rblackbu4
- May 7
- 5 min read
Updated: May 8
Even in the midst of our losses of our babies over the last several years (2021-2025), Mother’s Day has always been so special to me. In fact the loss of our babies had developed a deeper appreciation for being blessed to be a mother to our little girl. This year, I’m already struggling. It’s April and my social media is flooded with Mother’s Day sales. Church is advertising their child dedications on Mother’s Day. None of this is new, so why am I struggling so much this year and why am I sharing it with the world? I’m sharing today because I deeply desire for every woman to feel truly seen on Mother’s Day and for the first time, I’m personally experiencing the internal battle that many women experience year after year. My hope is that the women who can relate to my experiences, feel understood, and if you don’t know the peace the Lord can offer you in this specific grief/pain, I hope my experience directs you to Him!
Last year, just over a week before Mother’s Day, I saw those familiar lines on a pregnancy test. These lines are another thing that brings extremely conflicting feelings for me. This was my 6th pregnancy (I have one living child and had 4 previous miscarriages prior to this pregnancy). The seed of excitement and joy, is planted and I’m ready to watch God do the miracle we’ve been praying for! This seed of excitement is followed closely by the seed of fear, because I’ve been here before and faithfully believed in his miracle before and I’ve been disappointed before. The first Sunday after finding out I was pregnant, I prayed with a dear friend. I’d been having cramping all night which was making me anxious. This prayer mentor gave me a word straight from the Lord. She said, whenever you feel anxious, make a fist with one hand - this represents your baby. Now cover that fist with your other hand - God’s holding and protecting your baby. I used this simple act hundreds of times throughout the next week and each time, peace flooded my mind and my spirit. That weekend I had some spotting but it cleared up and I was feeling confident again. The next weekend, I started cramping again and my body was giving me all the signs that told me to brace for another loss. I woke up that Sunday morning, Mother’s Day, with one prayer on my lips - “God, please let this be the day that your mighty hand continues to bless me with life instead of pain and loss.” I was scheduled to teach a lesson to the kids at church and the lesson was about Hannah and how she cried out to God and she promised to return her child to God. Hannah was blessed with the baby she prayed for. I taught this lesson to the kids at church (without crying, which if you know me, that’s the real miracle). I was feeling very strong in my faith, believing this child would be my blessing! In my mind, I thought “Perhaps that’s why I was scheduled to teach this lesson on Hannah.” My body was still cramping and I chose to believe this was all normal since I didn’t seem to remember what a normal pregnancy felt like after so many losses. I took my daughter home (my husband was working at the hospital) and we were getting ready to go to lunch with my family for Mother’s Day. I went to the restroom and there it was, the defeating sign of the beginning of the end of this pregnancy. I paced my home truly wrestling with God, when my sweet daughter saw me and asked me what was wrong. I tried to dodge the question, but she picked up on my deepening sorrow. I broke down and told her that I was pregnant but my baby was going to heaven. My little 6 year old held me as I cried and rubbed my arm as she told me it would be alright. She said “you’ll always have me!” My heart ached to see her care for me. A 6 year old shouldn’t know this kind of pain and I felt defeated when I couldn’t hold it together for her. This was not my daughter’s first time learning about our pregnancy loss. I’ve walked through my losses sharing with her why mommy is so sad in ways that I felt her little mind could grasp. In that moment I was so proud of her and thankful for my little girl’s strength in one of my weakest moments. Shortly, after this tender moment, we left our house to go to lunch with my family and my mom. I started to cry uncontrollably in the car and my “oh so sweet” girl said, “oh boy! Are you going to cry at lunch?” I said “I don’t know” and she said “you’re going to embarrass me!” 🤣 I ended up dropping her off for lunch and my wonderful sister hopped in my car and went back to my house to be there with me. I’m so thankful for how God used my daughter in her moment of wisdom and my sister who always shows up for me!
I’ve struggled to decide how to show up or if I want to show up for Mother’s Day this year. I believe in giving yourself grace and space to process grief. I‘ve made the decision to go to church and worship my God on Mother’s Day and I guarantee I’ll be a puddle at the feet of Jesus because I won’t shut out my grief, but I also won’t let the devil steal my joy! If there’s one thing I’ve learned over and over in the last several years, it’s that joy and lament can happen at the same time and I believe God would rather me come to Him just as I am! In fact the Bible says, that in our weakness, He is our strength. Doesn’t this mean that we have to come to Him acknowledging our weakness and our brokenness, in order to receive His strength?
So, if you are walking into this Mother’s Day with a grieving heart…maybe you lost a baby due to miscarriage, you had a stillbirth, you gave your baby up for adoption, you’ve been trying to have a baby and it’s been unsuccessful, or maybe you lost your mom or you don’t have a good relationship with your mom…if you are carrying the weight of that pain alone, can I invite you to walk through the doors of a local church and just bring your pain to the beautiful feet of Jesus? I don’t know how you can carry it on your own, but I do know that you don’t have too. There is a God who is ready to make you lie down in green pastures and He will lead you beside still waters. He wants to carry your burdens and take your pain. He draws near to the brokenhearted!
If you need a church to go to and you want to join me at the feet of Jesus, send me a message, and I’ll save you a seat! Believer’s Church in Boardman has the most amazing worship services! Come join me! I’ll link some info about the church services this Mother’s Day below.
I’ll leave you with this song that’s been a helpful way for me to meet God in my valleys. My story isn’t finished yet, and for me, I’m not certain the ending to my story is meant to look how I imagined it would look, but I do trust and believe He is faithful and He has a good plan for me.
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